Re: Fw: this one is a bit long but WORTH READING TILL THE END

-------Original Message-------   From: plumbadvice@hotmail.co.uk Date: 09/12/2009 17:08:33 To: Byn;  Raymond & Diane Pugh;  Ronald Liddle;  rayknock73;  mousey;  Martyn Lewis;  Chris Thomas Subject: Fw: this one is a bit long but WORTH READING TILL THE END     -------------------------------------------------- From: "Clive Harwood" <cliveharwood@gts-flexible.co.uk> Sent: Thursday, September 03, 2009 11:18 AM To: "Billstonelake" <billstonelake@hotmail.co.uk> Cc: "Plumbadvice" <plumbadvice@hotmail.co.uk> Subject: FW: this one is a bit long but WORTH READING TILL THE END   > > > > > Best Regards > Clive Harwood, > Maintenance Supervisor > GTS Flexible Materials, > Unit 41 Rassau Ind Est > Ebbw Vale > Gwent > NP23 5SD > TEL 01495 307060 > > > > > -- > > > > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased > his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: > > > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked > my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking > for a little something extra for my wife Julie. > > What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The > effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term > adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat > to safety....?? > > WAY TOO COOL! > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two > AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. > > Nothing! I was disappointed. > > I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a > metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity > darting back and forth between the prongs. > > AWESOME!!! > > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on > the face of her microwave. > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting > little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I > really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. > > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) > and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. > > But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as > advertised. > > Am I wrong? > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one > hand, and taser in another. > > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms > and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the > batteries. > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, > less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with > two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible > way!' > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one > side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst > from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. > > I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .. > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE > HELL!!! > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me > up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and > over and over again. > > I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears > in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to > be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, > and tingling in my legs? > > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to > a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to > avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one > note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you > zap yourself! > > You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand > by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be > considered conservative? > > > SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! > > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and > surveyed the landscape. > > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally > was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. > > My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip > weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. > > Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense > of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I > believe came from my hair. > > I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for > their safe return!! > > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! > > 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' > > > > > > >